A VISIT FROM A FRIEND!
Sunday 5 june


Jessica Fripp came to visit me today! She drove two hours from Williamstown (?), Mass, to spend the morning with me and see the matinee! What fun --for both of us, I think.
I was thrilled to see a face I've known a long time, to see someone who knows me from a former life. Knowing people over time is a comfort. To be with someone who knows how you were 9 years ago, and can see how you are now, is a wonderful thing. Since I had had the impression that very few people were reading this blog, I was really touched to discover that an old friend has been following along, and keeping track of where the circus is playing. She made the effort to drive so far to see me on a weekend when she knows people graduating from college, and even brought a thoughtful care package from the co-op in her town! Pomegranate juice (gotta nurture Persephone;), nettle tea!, dried papaya (which I love these days), trailmix, Bronners peppermint soap bar. Right on! Bless her heart!

It was the first time I've had someone visit me, and it was really fun to share the circus with her. I told her circus secrets and gossip, got her a ticket, and was motivated by her presence to make sure that my makeup was really nice (more green and silver sparkly eye shadow—I've been doing that ever since the mountain adventure) and that I had a lot of performance energy. During my act, I flashed her a lot of big grins, simaltaneously proud to be showing her my performing job, and a bit embarrassed about the cheeziness of the act. I went and sat with her just before intermission (note to self: next time put any visitng friends on the aisle). During intermission these days Shredder and I help Theo and sons with sheep herding (crowd control) for the snake pictures ($10 for a polaroid of you and fam/friends with an albino Burmese python draped around your photos). Theo consented to give Jessica a photo... then left the snake, Bonita, on her shoulders, saying as he walked off to talk to some audience members at the edge of the ring:
“Hold that for a second, I'll be right back.” So she stood there in the middle of the ring with elephants on her left and the pony ride on her right and a snake on her shoulders, a big grin on her face.
“Aah, it's starting to squeeze!” she said good-naturedly as Theo came back to retrieve Bonita.

After intermission I went and took Edgar the funnel cake guy up on the funnel cake he's been offering me for weeks, and Jessica and I ate it as we watched the second half of the show. She barely ate during the silk act, just gazing as Blaze and Svetlana gracefully and daringly climbed, swooped, twisted and fell through their routine.
“This is what you want to learn to do?” she asked me.
“Yes... but I'm a long way from being strong enough so do it well. I can do a few of the first few things Svetlana does, but they're nothing.” Once again, the goal of having a performance-worthy silk act by the end of the tour seemed far away. Will I ever be that strong? Will I be able to motivate myself to train suffeciently?

With Jessica with me, I was reminded again how exciting it is to be with the circus, and also how dreary. Life on the road, the glitz and glow of performance, socializing with an international crowd of performers, tech folk, and workers... and also living in a tiny trailor, working seven days a week, doing an act that is totally cheezy, with very little artistic satisfaction. I was both reminded of the glamour of my job, and the shallow, commercial aspect.

“I can't believe I'm in your trailor!” she exclaimed, sitting the the pigsty of my room before the show. It was halfway cleaned up, I'd spent 2 hours the night before cleaning and organizing and folding clean laundry (I'd really let things go before finally doing laundry at Quirky's hotel!), but it was still a crowded MESS in there when her knock woke me up at 10:30 this morning. I'd planned to wake up earlier and clean more, go to Panera and do more internet (how I thought I'd accomplish all that before she came, I have no idea)... but I haven't been sleeping much since before Tannersville, PA (Camelback).

There I wanted as many waking hours as possible to spend on the mountain and by the creek... AND there was the journy up the mountain, into the woods, an to the lake (I still have yet to write about that!)... and since then I've been integrating the.... healing? Perhaps I should call it the “allignment session” that happened there, and then reconnecting with Quirky. Goodness, I am so glad that she is here! It brings me such joy!

Whew, tangent! Anyway, the previous night Quirky and I had stopped by Theo's moterhome to ask use of his toilet before heading to Quirky's dive of a hotel to spend the night, since she was afraid of the roaches there, and usually wants company, anyway, especially since we haven't seen each other. So we sat down to say hi to Theo, then we got talking, then he offered us champagne, and before we knew it, it was 2am, and 3am by the time we were in bed in the hotel. Quirky had to be back for markenting duty during Tentraising, at 7am, so we got 3 ½ hrs of sleep.

I think I'm rambling. Are entries like this interesting, or just too much information? I mean, this journal serves a few purposes: helping me process what's going on in my life, sharing information with friends and loved ones, and recording it for my future reference. I always think I'll remember the details of what happened, what I felt, what I learned... but often I don't! I reread old journal entries, even from weeks or months ago, and am like, “Oh yeah! I remember that!” That is why jounalling is such a useful tool. But since BLOGGING is also a social interaction, I try to be at least somewhat mindful of you who are reading, and try to check myself when I notice myself including what may be excess details.

Who are you, any way, dear readers? If you're reading this, and you care to identify yourself by emailing me, or making a comment and leaving a (real or nick) name, I'd be interested in knowing who my audience is. The only people who have directly informed me they are keeping up are Metahara, Ali, and Jessica. Since I only recently learned that Jessica was, I'm curious to know who else is.

Hello Out There. Namaste! Thanks for you interest =)

So many people to think of:

I've been thinking about Love Grenade a bunch recently, speaking of bloggers. I should try to contact him next time I'm online. So many phone numbers I lost when my old phone bit the dust! Love Grenade, I look forward to dancing with you again!

And Free, I've wished I could call you, too. Ah, contact dancing lovers. All my contact and other dance friends, except for Ali, (who wins Frind Of The Year Award, BTW for offering, without being asked, to clean and organize the stuff in my basement when my landlady mandated that this happen during my absense)... so hard to keep in contact without the physical contact, the face to face, the visceral interaction, since that is how we get to know each other. So hard for me to make a habit of keeping the connections over distance... it's a skill I've always had difficulty using, motivating to use. Sometimes, some ways, I'm so in the moment... but socially, at least, it's good to keep connection over time.

For years I've thought about Jessica and Libbat-Tzion, my roommates during sophomre year of college, without ever getting around to actually looking them up. I've always meant to look themr up and catch up; I miss them. I wouldn't be surprised if Libbat has a kid or two by now... and/or if she has some fabulous academic or other career. I hope she's still dancing... she was a FANTASTIC ballroom dancer, she loved to dance, but she was a conservative Jew looking at Orthodoxy, in her sophomore year of college! I admired her faith, but never really supported the possible move to orthodoxy, because Orthodox Judaism doesn't permit women to dance in front of men, only in front of other women. This seemed too much of a restriction, especially for someone who got so much joy, ecstatic connection, out of dancing, specifically partner dancing.

Who else? Martina, my fabulous Australian goddess, I've been wanting to contact you too! She sent me a comic book she worked on, and I'm so lame that I haven't even read it yet! I put it on the top bunk, it got covered with clothes, and every time I see it up there, I remind myself to take it down and read it and write to her, but then I forget, just like for 4 days running I've forgotten to sew the button back on the front of my costume... how embarrassing. A little more focus, awareness, and initiative would make me both more professional and a better friend.

So many amazing people in my life... so much joy in connection! To list all the people I think about, and wonder about --all the way back to Loren Valterza, Sheila Dodson, Beth Lawrence, Laura Marubashi, Jessica Cass, Jessica Smith (how many Jessicas have I known?), Noah Merin, Hans Riegals, Scott Edmunds, Elizabeth Tindell, Alyssa Tarnofsky, etc, etc.---would take so much time!

How to know all the things I want to know in life?

How old friends and acquaintances are doing, the mysteries of chinese medicine, how to open the body, how to climb and wrap myself in a silk and do breathtaking tricks, in a way that is daring, artsy and safe for me, how to have good, easy relationships, how to be happy more of the time, what's happening in the worlds of physics and other exploratory science (I still haven't finished those Scientific Americans I bought a month+ ago), how to still my mind, how to not lose momentum and get stuck after a phase has outlived it's usefulness, how to do fabulous, steady pirouettes and other turns and take strong, self confident, flying leaps, how to do some minor acrobatics, how to have the performing career I want, how to also keep working for the social evolution that seems necessary to me, how to do all this and have family at some point, and a wide and deep spiral web of friends, and to discover other ways and locations and types of people.

Surely it's all possible. I am a have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too type of person. I don't compromise easily (which of course has advantages and disadvantages). I can make it happen.... it will all happen somehow, with faith, perserverence, and joy. I am learning better and better habits, coming into better alignment, cleaner and more efficient functioning. I am ever discovering, ever in wonder....
Axe!

So, for a story of recent discoveries:

JOURNAY TO DEEP LAKE
this was on wednesday may 31st

with Shredder
anchored by Matt, in a way,
guided by family: a man who goes by Griff, just like my late grandfather

Shredder and I got up at 6am and hiked up the ski slope to the top of Camelback mountain. It was warm where we were, but fog rolled in below us, hiding the red and yellow bigtop from us. We had escaped the fog of the circus to exalt on a sunny mountaintop, far away and up high! We sat up there enjoying the sense of height, verdant spaciousness, and warm sunshine.

A man, a very pregnant woman, and her toddler appeared; we discovered that they started every day by meeting on the mountaintop. The man's went by Griff, just like my dad's late father. After we told them how much we were enjoying the scenery, Griff suggested an easy hike to some lovely lakes, and offered to drive us to the trailhead. Since we didn't have to work until 3:30 and it was before 9am, we accepted with excitement. A real adventure into the woods! How lucky and serendipidous! I felt guided by family.

Griff drew us a detailed map, and gave me directions. Shred left me in charge of finding the way. We both rode with the mom and her kid to the trailhead, Griff following to see us off. He walked with us for a bit, telling me a bit about the history of the Welsh name Griffith: apparantly in Wales Griffith is as common as Smith, and is a common name among cole miners. I had no idea of any of this, although my late grandfather worked (an office job) for Shell oil; not exactly coal, but still a mineral extracted from the ground.

There were some caterpillars (my old fear symbol) along the path; I'm getting used to them. Lots of trees.... Anyway, we found the lakes. We passed Wolf Swamp and continued to Deep Lake, as Griff had suggested. And deep, indeed, was our experience there.

We stripped and waded into the cool water.... swimming into the droplet of lake in the rolling breathing hills... it was the most perfect moment. We're both strong swimmers, and welet go of hesitation and just swam out, confident in strength, and laughed and laughed and laughed in the middle of the lake. I felt how my childhood fears of the underwater unknowns are just one aspect of the fears I'm working on letting go... and I let it go, and felt safe and strong and wonderful in the middle of the lake.
I felt that there was a tree on the opposite shore that was calling to us, so we swam there, and discovered some lovely lakeweed, and played with it for quite some time. It had the prettiest little leaves and the most amazing clear slime. We putt it on our bodies and our breasts and our faces, and gazed into the reflection of the lake in the globular slime that was attatched to the roots of the weeds we accidentally pulled out... We meditated on Joy, slime, life, divine femenine.... Connection, slipperiness and flow, warmth and cool, and Textures.
I've been reading The Web That Has No Weaver, and there at the lake, I felt that I was starting (just beginning!) not only to understand Chinese medicine philosophy, but to and see and FEEL textures and patterns.

There was lots more: reflections on self confidence and it's relation to my spine stuff, working on opening that (that night I kicked over from a backbend for the first time ever!), love, friendship, processing, letting go, que sera, enjoing where and with whom I am, reflecting on yin and yang and and traditional gender roles, ignoring them AND letting them guide and be....

Swimmng back, more frolicking in the water, doing butterfly and flying through the water, feeling so strong!

We were all set to play more in the lakeweed by where we'd left our clothes, but a ranger appeared and called us out of the water. He wanted to give us a ticket for swimming!! Imaging this: you can hike and bike, but not swim! Why do some people make rules that seem to aim to prevent people from experiencing ecstasy? Erin was moderately freaked out (“Did he say he was going to call the sherrif?” she asked in fear. “No, he said that he'd be over there waiting for us, silly!”), so I dressed more quickly (the ranger had courteously walked away to give us privacy) and walked over to talk to him, confident that I could tap into the grounded and polite way to talk him out of giving us a ticket... and I did! Yay for dealing with authority without fear!

We stayed by the lake for a bit, eating fruit and chatting. Walking back in the warm lovely heat, who should we encounter but Griff, who had gone looking for us at the circus, and when he realized that we weren't back yet, he had come to find us and ease our way home by giving us a ride back! How nice! When we came out of the forest just before the trailhead, the fog below us had cleared and we saw all down the valley!

Thanks to Griff, instead of having to rush straight to the ticket office after a long walk, we had some cool-off time in Shredder's glowy chill room before....

Ticketchaos! Actually it was a fairly mellow day (fortunately), but for some reason the office vibe brought up old self esteem stuff. Interesting. I just noticed it and focused on my task, knowing it would go away sooner or later.

Ladderplay was fine. After ladderplay we walked down the hill to where the pond poured into the creek, and enjoyed the little waterfall and Carlito who brought us each a little flower:)

Then it was time for finale and packing, the Mombassa Troupe was waiting for me.... I passed OUT in the car on the ride to Fishkill... once there I talked with parents and again with Matt, love sent from MagicBoy, but I was no longer so craving it so much (tho still glad to hear the message); I was more excited about my own experience, and the parallel connection with Shred.

The past few days have been ongoing illumination and integration. Axe!


I DID IT!!
Thursday 22 June

I did an actual drop on the silk last night!
It's one of the ones that Svetlana does in her performance; apparantly it's a basic drop taught to beginners, quite safe and pretty easy... but it looks cool! And letting go when I was all wrapped up was definitely a leap of faith, of trust in my body (my core strength), and in Blaze's instruction and in her watchful eye (that I had wrapped myself up correctly).

This probably won't illuminate it much, but here goes:
Climb up at least 15 or so feet off the ground, straddle up to crochet lock (one bent knee over silk), wrap the “live end” around my back, around the other leg, around the stomach, put it in the opposite armpit, climb up over the knot, turn my back to the “dead end” (the part going from the knot to the suspending wire), hold myself up by reaching one arm over my head, hold the “live end” (loose silk hanging toward ground) securely in other arm... and let go!

...to tumble forward and down, around to one side and then the other...
...before landing in a nice safe lock. Climb up over knot to get out, shake legs free, next trick... or, in my case, slide to ground quivering with excitement and adreneline, hop up and down like a proud little kid, and enjoy the amused smiles of Blaze and David.


MEXICAN BENCH PRESS AND RUSSIAN SITUPS!

It was a night of working out; yay for the international crew!
After finale Svetlana and Yuri's gymnastics mat had been calling me, so I hurridly changed out of my costume, washed my makeup off, and ran back to the back door to stretch on it. Carlito was there (yum), and I enlisted him to toss my legs (I laid on my back and held onto his ankles, he tossed my legs down, I pulled them up, 30 or so times). A bit later, after a break, I was on my way from my sleeper back to the tent (ah, that lovely circus commute: 200 feet from front door to work!) to spend some more time on the gymnastics mat to stretch some more. I walked by the generator truck where some of the worker dudes were doing their weightlifting thing... and realized that I wanted to try.

Now, if I'd ever before in my life done a bench press, I've forgotton; it always seemed silly to me. However, last night it looked like fun, and I'm also more interested in upper body strength than I was before. I wanted to feel my muscles work, to actually do something that will ease my way toward the strength for more silk and other aerial work. I asked if I could join them, saying I wanted to try with a small amount of weight. They gave me the bar weighing nothing, I asked them to add. They kept saying, “It's too heavy for you, it's too heavy for you!” ...but I know that I've held people while contct-improving, so I figured 30 pounds should be nothing for me. It was easy to do 15 presses with 30, and with 40. We took a break, and I led them into the tent and showed them how I do upside-down situps while hanging by my knees on the ladder. They couldn't do more than a couple, partly because it hurt the backs of their knees too much.

Yuri was in the tent, guiding his and Svetlana's 8 year old son Nikki (Nikita) through some handstand presses. He beckoned me over, and showed me the most deadly situps! I couldn't even do the first way he suggested, but I worked at it. Tiny came it to bring the teacup I'd left outside, and Yuri made Tiny (who is anything but) hold my feet. I was ready to work hard; it was sweet!

I went back out and did 15 presses with 50 pounds; that I had to work for at the end. I have no idea if that's a lot or not; I know that people bench press ridiculous amounts of weight, but they guys were doing pretty much the same weight sets I was, I found out. But boy was I sore today!


INHERENT GRANDEUR
Sunday 25 June

I was STILL at tid bit sore over the weekend... jeez! When I was lifting, I knew it'd make me sore, but I didn't care at all; I just wanted to do it. Totally worth it, though. Next time I might take it just a bit easier so that soreness doesn't inhibit stretching and more working out.

So tonight I rode with David and Blaze from Norwich, Conn, to Abington, a bit south of Boston. Nice ride, Sundays are always fun bc we leave when there's still daylight, and actually get to see our surroundings (lots of trees). I dozed off a bit, still recovering from Thursday night when our sleeper got a flat, and slept on Theo and Desiree's couch from 3-6am, got up and cleaned my room, and then went on a long jog. (I am crazy sometimes.)

Upon arrival I was looking at some pictures in B&D's trailor, and there was this great one of our big aerial number, with ladders, lines, showgirls, lights, and David on the trapeze silhouetted against the starry backdrop of the tent roof. In the upper left was a colorful figure arching upside down off her ladder, arms gracefully spread, a smile barely visible on her small face... and I realized it was me! I was surprised to realize how nice I looked; I generally think of my costume and the choreography as cheezy. It wasn't just me; the whole scene looked excitin and pretty. I guess having 9 aerialists in the air at once has a certain inherent grandeur that shines through any type of styling.

I think I wrote here about meeting Tom the Ringling Gold Show clown, but didn't mention that he really liked our big, “old style” aerial number. That made me really happy to hear at the time, and still makes me feel better about what I'm doing, since my little part often doesn't feel that significant. But if it's part of something bigger that's nice, then that's good.
Hey, that's worth remembering: if ever it doesn't feel that what I'm doing is significant, I should remind myself to find a way to step back and see the bigger picture; perhaps it's more significant than it feels.
I still have the “star desire” I've had since I was a kid. I want (though I hate to admit it) to be admired, but more importantly, I want to do something amazing, beautiful, inspiring, profound, to create an outward ripple of beauty, or deep thinking, or something worthwhile.
For a while I was afraid that the act was so cheezy and unremarkable as to be boring, barely entertaining, not to mention not inspiring. And it may, in fact, be that for some people (can't please 'em all). The other day, though I had a great experience while performing:


LIVING A LITTLE GIRL'S DREAM
tuesday 27 june

So one day while on the ladder I noticed a little girl in the front row who was looking up at me with amazement. Perhaps she waved at me, as children often do, or perhaps I just saw her face and gave her a smile and a little wave. Throughout the act, she had eyes only for me. Apparantly she was ignoring the other showgirls AND the trapeze, because EVERY time I glanced down, she was gazing up at me-- with a look of wonder on her face.

In addition to being moved by her unwavering attention (who was it that said that the greatest gift you can give someone is your attention?), I felt something else. I saw myself in that little girl. I saw in her face not only awe, but a desire to do it herself, to climb that ladder in a costume and swirl, flourish, hang, and smile in front of an audience. I mean, what FUN, to climb up high, hang upside down, and have somebody spin you! And to get a lot of attention for doing something so fun... what could be better?

I'd smiled at her lots during the act, and gave her one last wave during the “compliment” at the end, before running out. She made my day. I wish I could have seen her after the show, to thank her for her attention, to encourage her to follow her dreams.

As a little girl I believed in my ability to climb stuff, but didn't believe life would take me that way. For years, I thought I had already missed out on the opportunity to do whatever; I had this vague feeling that it was too late, that I would have had to start training earlier, to be any good, to be successful. I also knew that I lacked a certain daring that I would need to be great at any type of performance. While there are certainly varieus thresholds where it really does become “too late” for some activities (no rhythmic gymnastics career for this human being), mostly this was low self esteem, and not knowing how to make things happen, not daring to go for it.

Slowly and gradually I have gained confidence, daring, and skill. The ladder act I do may amaze normal people, but aerial performers know it's not that big a deal. But, now that I've begun to be able to do stuff on silk, the world seems more open to me. I know that I have the ability to train myself to have at least a decent silk act if I stick with it, and the grace and performance savvy to make it pleasant and/or interesting as well.

Sometimes I wonder, “If I'd started real training earlier, could I have....” (already done such and such), but I don't dwell on this; I have made my way as I have. I did not become a virtuoistic performer at a young age, but I learned other worthwhile things along the way, and my life has felt at least moderately adventurous. I've had many moments where my life so amazed me that I felt that I was living in a book or a movie; that is a good feeling! I like my life to be a story, exciting to live, worth sharing with others. Of course, everyone's life is a story.... but mine has been an exciting story enough to keep me happy so far.

“Souffle le vent, froler les cheveux,
bonheur est une balencoire en feu.
Souffle le vent, froler les cheveux,
malheur est un chemin creux.”
--Malicorne (French folk music group)

rough translation:
“The wind blows, lightly blowing the hair,
unhappiness is a worn path.
Blow on, wind, caress the hair,
happiness is a swing on fire.”

Malicorne lent weight to this thesis of happiness and unhappines by titling the album “Balencoire en Feu.” It was one of the few CDs I bought during my junior year in Bordeaux; on the cover was a woman on a swing, her hair and red dress blowing as she leaned back into the swing...
I love the image that lyrics, title, and cover art all evoke: swinging through life, braving the fire, feeling caressed and cleaned by the wind.


Tonight we go to Falmouth, on the outskirts of Boston, which I believe is as far north as we're gonna get. After this we work our way back to the NYC enviorns, to play Staten Island July 10-13.


GETTING SCOLDED FOR BEING FIT AND UNINHIBITED :(
28 june 06

Monday afternoon on my way out of the office, the owner spoke to me:

“Do me a favor, would you? We got a complaint because a customer with kids in the car drove around the backyard, and saw you doing yoga in shorts, and thought it was indecent. Just do your yoga in the tent, or out of the way.”

What a sad thing, that some people are so repressed, and so out of touch with the sacred beauty of the human body, that to have a clear view of the lines of someone's body while they exercise and stretch is indecent to them-- offensive enough to complain about!

Look, repressed people, if you don't want your kids to see circus performers warming up, then don't drive around the backyard of a circus right before showtime!

It wasn't even as if I was in a bikini (though nothing should be wrong with that, either!); I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt! Fer chrissakes!