To ___, not to send


I let your austere exterior
and harshness around training
convince me to let go my joy along with my frivolity
but without my joy
i couldn't find the deep discipline
that a true acrobat/aerialist must have.
i let you wear down my already weak self esteem
until though I still held a distant dream
i lacked the confidence necessary
to deal with the daily rigors of training

i know I have not always been the student you've wanted
but i have been improving my physcial strength
and psychological discipline

now, instead of you yelling
while i freeze and try
to hear your words through your anger
now we are starting to work as a team
i am more sure of myself
more disciplined
more proactive

please
smile at me once in a while
give some encouraging feedback, even once in a while,
along with the critical feedback that is also necessary

I know that you are a nice person
underneath your steely protective exterior
please share this with us, your students,
once in a while
we won't respect you less
or work less hard
in fact we'll probably respect your more
and have more joy and thus motivation
in our training

please
be a little kinder to your future students
im not saying you shouldn't give harsh feedback if its true
but it's possible to give harsh feedback with kindness
and don't tell them not to have fun while they train
"it's not fun," you said to me once,
after i had admired a trick someone else was doing
saying it looked "fun,"
"this is a very hard trick!"
i'm not stupid, i could see that
but cannot difficult and ardurous things also be fun?

we will be more motivated
if we are having fun pushing ourselves

__

now I am worn down
much by my own inefficiency and psychological struggles
also by the struggle to work and train
and somewhat from your harshness as well
now i have a stress injury
born of my procrastination in dealing with a small shoulder issue
my denial of the importance of addressing it promptly
i am worn down

so i must rebel a little to repair
on advice of the master bodyworker who worked on me
i dared to take a day off to let my shoulder heal

more importantly i need to re-find my joy
my sense of fun, inspiration
is not frivolous
it gives me strength
determination
and ultimately
a truer, deeper discipline

i will keep doing my part,
diving deeper and deeper
into focus, discipline, active and fully committed engagement
you could do something to help me
ultimately it would bring you satisfaction
since i know you like to see your students succeed
please sweeten my travail
with just a little kindness